Dating 401: First Date Jitters – Do’s, Don’ts, and Doesn’t Matters

So someone finally said “Yes.”  You went through the lineup of a never ending collage of pictures of penises and plunging necklines (hopefully not on the same person); sorted through the hackneyed profiles that was probably written by their best friends, mothers, or paid intern; trudged through the tedium of messages being sent back and forth that always seemed to skirt the only question that was ever really on either of your minds: DO YOU WANT TO MEET UP!?

I believe, by the way, that there is a mathematical formula to be devised based on the level of interest you have in a person, the number of days between messages sent back and forth, the constant speed (bandwidth) in which the messages are relayed via service, and overall frustration levels.  I’m not sure of the equation, but figure it out, and someone will probably write a book about it like the DaVinci Code.

That being said,  it’s amazing to me that almost every dating service out there has this one question plugged in somewhere into their profile or website: How willing are you to meet someone from online?  Yeah…that’s the big question isn’t it?  The answer will speak volumes about how you really see online dating.  If you are completely against it, then who knows what the hell you’re doing here in digital space.  Maybe you don’t want to admit that you’re here stuck like the rest of us.  Resigning yourself to trudge along the long and weary path of freakshows and letdowns with the rest of us mortals.  Or maybe you’re a voyeur…looking at other people’s profile pages, reading them as if they were the novelized version of the Real Housewives of Who Gives a F#$k, enjoying glimpses into other people’s strange and sordid ways without actually having to show your face.

Maybe you’re tentative about meeting in person.  That’s cool.  Most of us are.  In fact, to tell the truth, if you aren’t at least somewhat wary of meeting someone from online, then you’ve got all the survival instinct of a squirrel playing chicken with an 18-wheeler.  I recommend a healthy dose of skepticism, and even respect the barely concealed cynicism that you may have towards this world of unseen variables and potential pitfalls.

But if you’re anything like me, you’ll still be willing to meet someone from online despite all the warning bells blaring imminent danger.  Why?  Because bottom line is that that’s what you’re there for.  It’s a dating site, and unless you have some absurd luck of the draw, you are going to potentially be matched with the wrong kinds of people from the very beginning.  You have to wade through and find your proper mate through trial and error…even though most days it feels like a neverending trial with constant crippling errors.  But don’t get discouraged, because no one ever succeeded for lack of trying.

That being said, you finally have decided to go out on a date with someone you met online, who you are more or less certain won’t kill you and sell your organs on the black market.  You give it maybe an 88% chance, which is more than favorable.  But then you find yourself pacing back and forth in your room / apartment / jail cell.  What do you wear?  Where do you take them?  How should you act?  What wine should you choose with dinner!?  What if the person doesn’t like you?  You’ll have to go back online and go searching again!  This time you’ll have to go out on a date with the 57% chance of setting your house on fire for fun!  Oh god oh god…

Here.  Pop an Ativan.  Calm?  Good.  We’ve covered the basics in 101, so now I’m going to teach you how to put it all together in a series of Do’s and Don’ts…and what won’t make a lick of difference either way.

DO shower, shampoo, shave, brush your teeth, and / or otherwise groom yourself.  If this nuance has escaped you, please pick up your books and leave this class tout suite, and go register for my 101 course.

DON’T douse yourself in perfume or cologne.  If you bathe and do laundry at a semi-regular basis, there should be no need for you to take a swim in Chanel #5 or the new fragrance by Usher called Bar Skank.  This stuff comes out atomized for a reason.  Spray in the air, walk through the mist, and done.  Remember: just two or three sprays in the air.   You’re not dehumidifying the room with the smell of patchouli or lavender.  K?  Moving on.

DO remember certain things that you talked about through emails, phone calls, or messages so that you can continue the conversation in person.  Remember the things you have in common so that you can strengthen  your bonds.

DON’T mix up the emails and calls you had with someone else with the person you are going on a date with.  Nothing ends a date quicker or makes things more awkward than trying to get yourself out of saying the wrong thing to the wrong person.  “So how’s your dog Sparky doing?”  “I don’t own a dog.  I’m allergic.  Were you talking to someone who had a dog?”  “My…mother?”  “You’re not sure if your mom has a dog?”  “More wine?”  See?  Awkward.  Just don’t do it.

DO engage in lively conversation.

DON’T be the only one engaging in said conversation.  Seriously.  Shut the hell up for 2 minutes so they can get a word in edgewise.  If you’re so intent on the conversation continuing…ask them a question.  Let them take the ball for ten minutes while you put some food in your pie hole.  Take a sip of that wine.  Breathe.

DO go to a restaurant that both of you will enjoy.  No sense in bringing someone who hates seafood to an all you can eat sushi buffet.  Try to let it be somewhere that’s casual and classy at the same time.  Rule of thumb is, don’t go anywhere where they give you free glassware with the purchase of your meal.  Another warning bell is if any of the dishes they serve, comes in sizes. (i.e – small, medium, large, or dude you’re too f#$king fat)

DON’T order wine from a wine list if the following pertains to you:

• If you wonder why white wine is called white wine when it’s actually gold in color. 
• If you are surprised that there are so many different regions that a grape can come from. 
• If the word “Pinot” make you giggle like a little schoolgirl. 
• If you know the proper French or Italian pronunciation, but want to butcher the name anyway.
• If you insist on sniffing the cork, tell the waiter the wine is good or bad, and you haven’t even touched the tasting that he left in your glass.
• If you swish the wine in your glass for more than a few seconds to unlock the bouquet.

You know what?  All of this can really all be summarized easily by one thing: Don’t be a pretentious douche when it comes to wine.  If you don’t know shit about shit, let the waiter / sommelier do their god damn job.  That’s what they are there for, to recommend something to go with your food.  They are not there to be impressed when you break out words like “dry”, “fruity”, or compare the wine to a soft summer breeze.

DO pay careful attention to body language.  It tells you things like if you are losing their interest, if they are enjoying your company, if they are flirting with you, if they like you.

DON’T stare at their chest or ass (blatantly), stare into the air and enter daydreaming mode, bite your fingernails, or tap your fingers and / or feet with nervous energy.  The napkin on your lap is not a Cloak of Invisibility.  They can still see and hear you.  Act like it.

Finally…here are a list of topics you probably shouldn’t talk about on your first date…or perhaps ever:

• Parents divorce – Hey!  Wanna know where we’ll be in 20 years!?
• Therapy / Therapists / Your overall mental health (or lack thereof) – I am doing so much better than my therapist thought I’d doing.
• Drinking Problem – Usually this isn’t so much a conversation as much as it is an OBSERVATION.
• Ex-Boyfriend / Ex-Girlfriend – So…where do you hide YOUR bodies?
• Trauma – Sorry…just had a flashback to ‘Nam.  No, not the war.  I went there last year and lost my luggage.  So horrifying…
• Felonies and Misdemeanors – Unless you’re committing one right now, in which case confess and get it off your chest.  Then these men in blue will escort you to your room which are covered with bars.
• Breakups – Wanna know how I’ll dump ya!?
• Your Income – Guess how much I make!  Betcha it’s more than you!
• Drugs – You sellin’ / buyin’ ?

I can’t guarantee you success, but at the least I can make sure that you don’t end up in a hospital or a police car by the end of the night if you follow these simple steps.  That’s all for this class.  Make sure you follow up on your reading for next time!  We’ll be covering the differences between Kissing and Making Out, and also make sure to read my college thesis entitled “Mixed Signals – Is Rubbing One Out Before Your Date The Best Idea?”  Dismissed!