The other day, I was checking my WordPress dashboard to see search options that led people to my little corner of digital space. One of the very first things that appeared for top searches was “short men should die.” Now…I know I should have let that go, because feeding trolls is like feeding Gremlins after midnight. You’re really only propagating the species. Unfortunately, with my curiosity lit, I proceeded to exercise what I can only describe as a practice in self flagellation. I went on Google and started a search. Now…in the internet’s defense, some of those posts were in support of my vertically challenged brothers. Others declared open war on anyone under 6’0″. Since I also started a Twitter account (a decision I’m waiting to regret), I searched through #shortguys to see what social media had to say on the subject. It is an absolute travesty of epic proportions. Seriously…the things that were written, and the people who commented in support are an absolute atrocity! Not a single one of them…KNOWS HOW TO WRITE!!
I mean, my GOD, people! We live in an age where you can proofread every word you write before you send it out! There’s no excuse for such terrible wordplay! First of all, “manlet” is not a word. It is not in the hallowed halls of the Oxford English dictionary with words like “YOLO”, “cray”, and “amazeballs.” Perhaps you meant the word “mantle?” I could see how that could get confusing since you only misplaced the “t”. You really need to slow down your typing and realize those red squiggly lines that appear under words mean that you spelled something wrong. Oh! I see, you meant that as a derogatory term? Unfortunately, the suffix “-let” doesn’t really exist, nor would it particularly mean “little”, as you seem to want it to mean. The word itself sounds like it’s a combination of the word “man” with the word “outlet.” So…I’m a male outlet? I’m a plug? No, I’m afraid that doesn’t make sense. I’m sorry, but you’re simply going to have to do better. Deduction -8 points.
Okay…so now I see a Tweet that says “if U R unner 6’0″ do me favor and plz kill self”. Right then…this sentence is just RIPE with red marks, sweetie. You really need to learn to form your words, okay? First of all, if it begins a sentence, you always capitalize the first letter. I don’t know how you were educated, but I learned that in elementary. Secondly, the letters “U” and “R” are letters unless you abbreviate it with a period. And usually if you abbreviate a “U” it stands for “University.” I have no idea what R would stand for. Perhaps you meant “you are”? You really must learn how to utilize your words. Also, did you mean “your” or “you’re”, because believe me, that will make a difference. And oh dear…you spelled the word “under” wrong. Either that or you wanted to combine the letter “R” with the “unner” and you wanted to spell “runner?” You have a spell check, you really need to use it, okay? Because killing 6’0″ runners, and killing under 6’0″ people is really going to change the body count. Also it is “do me A favor.” Let’s not forget our articles. They are our friends. Oops, I see another spelling error. It’s not “plz” but “please.” I appreciate that you are trying to be polite in telling people to die, but misspelling is just rude! Now…you say “self” here. You need to be specific with this. Is it MYself, YOURself, HIMself… You see how this can be confusing? Did you want me to kill you because other people are under 6’0″ tall? Whatever you meant to say, suicide is NOT the answer. Just because you are a terrible writer doesn’t mean you have to die, okay? Maybe you may need to go back to elementary school and pass the 2nd grade like you were supposed to, but it’s not the end of the world. Don’t die just because we’re under 6’0″, okay? It gets better, I promise! But having said that…this is absolutely horrid sentence structure and spelling. I’m sorry, but deduction -14 points. Hope you can read my comments under all the red pen marks.
Oh, here’s an entire blog entry! Lovely! I see, so this post is supposed to be meant as satire! Much like Swift’s “A Modest Proposal.” Wonderful, I can’t wait to read it. … … … Hmm…. No. I’m sorry, but this doesn’t constitute satire at all. Not even a little bit. You see here, you are trying to advocate gassing all short men and trying to tie it into the unrealistic beauty expectations for women. Then, in the next several paragraphs you rant about short men being the most vocal about a woman’s beauty standards, short men lowering your social value by asking you, “a taller woman,” out, all while claiming to be a feminist…without showing a single shred of evidence that this occurs. Now…I applaud the intellectual practice of writing from another person’s point of view in order to provide satirical perspective, but unfortunately you failed in almost every aspect of what makes a satire…satirical. First, let us look at the premise of writing from the feminist standpoint. The fact that you write as a “feminist” and yet write in a manner in which the opinions are so blatantly anti-feminist…are you trying to insult feminism? Because last time I checked, the entire idea of feminism was to empower women to be independent and be equal in a patriarchal society…and certainly isn’t about the antiquated perspectives of beauty shoved upon them by other women, men, or society in general. So okay, maybe you are satirizing feminist thinking.
But wait…now you’re writing in a completely superficial tone, claiming height as the standard of attractiveness for men. In fact you write about this for several paragraphs, completely ignoring your earlier feminist take! …so now we are insulting superficial people? Okay, well I have no problem with that. I don’t like them anymore than you do… But wait…now you created a hashtag for Twitter telling readers to gas short men. So people are supposed to use this hashtag in an ironic fashion? Oh, of course…cause Twitter users are renowned for their ability to read between their allotted lines. You are saying that short men who are actually held to an equally unrealistic standard of male attractiveness by women, are a problem. Then if you were satirizing the early perspective, does that make THIS the real point? Are you actually advocating gassing short people? You see…you tried to be too ambitious with your insults! We don’t know who you are insulting any more! You are just a troll now. Have a cookie.
Satire is like…literary math. You can try and solve the problem, but you still have the prove your results. Just…instead of multiplication tables, pie, and symbols, you use humor, irony, juxtaposition, etc.. Without a solid foundation on what your actual point is, and then proving it through actions and data, all you have is a trolling rant. You come off as an infant who pounds the keyboards with his palms covered in crayon marks crying at nothing…or everything. NOBODY KNOWS! For god sake, writer…explain yourself! One of my favorite satirists of all time has got to be Mark Twain. In Huck Finn, there are many juicy tidbits about how Twain saw the nature of American society through the eyes of Jim or Huck, like in this juicy tidbit: “What’s the use you learning to do right, when it’s troublesome to do right and isn’t no trouble to do wrong, and the wages is just the same?” This line worked because he set up the scene and the character, who is consistent throughout the book. Satire is all about laying that kind of ground work, being consistent, and THEN changing the perspective. Once you laid the groundwork, those contrary opinions based on different perspectives can seem ironic, and therefore satirical. “HI! I’M NOT RACIST BUT I HATE ALL RACES!! RN’T I IRONIC!? SATIRE!!” is in no way shape or form within the subtle realm which you claim to tread. Go back. Read some good books under that bridge where you live and stay there. I’ll make sure to bring you a goat. What you are doing is running into a crowded movie theater, yelling “Fire”, and then laughing at the people getting trampled to death. Time for you to do your homework. Start by reading Huck Finn and…let’s throw in Gulliver’s Travels for good measure. I expect a 1000 word report about satire citing those two books on my desk by Monday. This paper you handed in gets -67 points and an auto fail.
To the rest of you desperately poor writers who expound about the evils of short men, and how we have our deaths coming…I would ask that you all learn how to form an insult. Choose your words carefully! An insult without a shred of truth in it is like taking a bite of an apple and finding out it was made of wax! Sure it looks like the real thing, but inevitably you’re the one who looks like an idiot. And for god’s sake, craft that insult so that it is above reproach! Prove your argument with facts so that it doesn’t crumble at the slightest breeze! Don’t come to me with data from a social experiment of 50 people and expect me to take that as indicative of the entire human race either! Your argument must be well laid out, and have a thesis statement. Try starting with an outline, that sometime helps. And for god’s sake, make sure that you’re spelling everything correctly! Nobody likes a grammatically incorrect troll! Come on now, internet! Right now you aren’t just failing my course…you’re epic failing it!
I expect that report on my desk by 9 AM Monday! Dismissed.