Alright, you bunch of degenerates, wake up! I know it’s early, but today we’re going to discuss a topic discussed on yesterday’s broadcast of Aural Stimulation. For those that didn’t read the damn syllabus, then you’re in luck! They archive their shows on their site and you can listen to the broadcast online! IF you still fail to listen to the show, neither I nor my esteemed colleague Melissa will be in during our office hours because I will be teaching her Japanese over a bowl of good ramen. So with the fact that your final grade WILL be on the line, I direct you to the topic at hand: What is the difference between Girlfriend / Boyfriend Material and Wife / Husband Material?
Look…no matter what, the qualities that you want to have in your partner, whether you intend to put a ring on her, are still going to be the same. There are established criteria that we look for that designate someone who is a good fit for us, especially when we’re pondering taking the so called “Plunge.” While those qualities may be as different from person to person as snowflakes, I’m relatively certain that there are particular qualities that will have you running for the nearest Tiffany’s a lot faster. Having said that…just because your potential wifey has those qualities, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re going to the chapel. And just because they don’t have those qualities doesn’t mean that they’re going to end up on Spinster Way, living in the Crazy Cat Lady Hut. It’s all about context, and what the individual decides is the deal breaker when making that Ever After decision. So let’s take a look at them and increase the chances of you not becoming a Beyoncé song.
- Bow-Chicka-Bow-Bow – Well let’s get this over with right off the bat. You have to be sexually compatible. Forgive me for getting vulgar for all those virgin ears out there, but you are going to fuck this person for the rest of your life (supposedly)…the sex has got to be good. Seriously! Are you going to spend 4 months pay check on 3 minute lazy blowjobs and dry handies? If you’re a crazy kinky sex maniac, and they’re a vanilla-villa piece of Wonder Bread, then you’re obviously going to find more than a few sexual hurdles to clear. Look, I get it. If you’re marrying someone the emotional trumps the physical a lot of the time. But guess what? Theoretically…this is the last person you are ever going to sleep with. Better make it count…or pray for an open marriage…or that the other person dies first. Because a leopard doesn’t change its spots, folks. If they are only DTF once a month, once you get married, you better get real comfortable with manual labor, cause you’ll see probably only see that monthly sex once every COUPLE of months. So know ahead of time what you REALLY want, and for god’s sake be honest about it. If it’s a deal breaker, then say so before you say those vows!
- Mind Your P’s and Q’s – Let’s say you finally reach that point in your relationship where you make the insane decision, that it’s time to take your partner home to meet the family. Here’s the thing…they have to be able to at least PRETEND to be nice to your friends and family. Yeah, your mother talks about her two cats pretty much every 3 minutes. Yes, your dad is talking about propane vs. charcoal grilling. And sure, your little brother screams about video games, and grandma is just a wee bit racist. Doesn’t matter. You have to have those manners intact in front of them with that goofy smile, the patient ear, and nodding head. The only clue that they can give you that they are overwhelmed in meeting your insane brood is a slight widening of the eyes, which is your preset method of communication which says “HELP ME, YOU SONUVABITCH!!” In the end though, these are going to be the future in-laws. And if you are close to your family, there is no way to avoid having your partner getting to know them…maybe even love them. Cause let’s face it…if they want in into this freak show you call your family, (lord knows why) they have to be able to hang. Smile, converse, dress appropriately, laugh often, and help to clean up afterwards. They can wait until they get home to scream at you that you didn’t mention that your grandfather was an old Nazi war pilot, or that you didn’t save them from your mother’s desire to talk about all the recent renovations to the house. Bottom line: It’s trial by fire, but if you pass the test, it’s a way of saying “Welcome to our bat shit crazy family.”
- Money Money Money Money – They have to at the very least, understand the concept of a budget. I’m not saying that they can’t buy the things they want. Life is sometimes all about the hedonistic pleasures of an exercise in capitalism. I’m just saying that they need to be able to prioritize the electric bill over a pair of Sam Edelman shoes that are 10% off at Macys. I’m not saying they’ll do this…but if your kid from your first marriage’s future college fund starts going down, and conversely your significant other’s collection of water pipes seems to grow…maybe there might be a correlation there. I dunno, I’m not an accountant. But being fiscally responsible just means that you know where your money is going. If at the end of the month, they can’t figure out why they’re short on rent, but they can tell you down to the cent, how much they’ve spent on decorative commemorative swords from famous movies…then perhaps their focus needs to be redirected. You’ll always find people who will tell you that “money isn’t important.” That “love is the only thing that’s important.” These people have never wanted for anything in their lives, and has had a silver spoon in their mouth, and a gold rectal thermometer in their ass since they were infants. Because I promise you that nothing will turn a good relationship into a screaming match the likes you haven’t seen since Jerry Springer, like trying to figure out where the money went to pay the heating bill in the dead of a Polar Vortex winter storm.
- Always A Good Decision – They have to be able to make good overall life choices. Should I go back to school? Yes. Should I go to the gym today? Yes. (Not calling my imaginary wife material fat, I’m just saying she’s making a good decision for herself.) Should I sleep with my roommate’s meth dealer? No. As a person, your partner at this point in their lives, should at least be able to make their own decision. Now mind you…I’m only talking about the simple decisions that almost everyone can agree are good or bad decisions. Those every day questions about morality, or those types of questions where you can’t see the outcome? Well most of the time, we’ll never know if those decisions were good or bad until we are already neck deep in the consequences. Those kinds of decisions, yes, your partner should absolutely come ask you. BUT…they take responsibility for their own decision, or take equal blame for any decision you make as a couple. They’ll still take what you say into consideration as long as it’s reasonable, it’s just that their final decision on these things won’t have to solely rely on your say so. Cause if you are their Magic 8 Ball and you give the wrong advice…HOO MAN, you better be ready for some bitterness, resentment, and an expensive divorce somewhere down the line. All I’m saying is that responsibility is shared, but their independent decisions are theirs. Don’t mix those up, otherwise you end up taking that stress and bringing it into bed…and usually, it won’t lead to the fun type of angry sex.
- Lean On Me – Along this line…my partner supports ME on things that will potentially make me better. I’m not saying that they should support me moving high into the Himalayas, so I can paint glacial runoff all year round if I have all the artistic talent of Miley Cyrus with a paint brush stuck in her ass and twerking over a canvas. I’m saying that they think of me, know my potential, and then supports me when I want to do something that will maximize the things that I’m good at. Because to care about someone means that you see all of them. Their good and their bad. A good partner is able to be a catalyst for your good, and neutralize the bad. The thing is though…they need to be there willingly when things get rough. Because it’s easy to stay together when everything is working, it’s quite another to work through things when they aren’t. Mainly, this characteristic all comes to how far you’re willing to go. Look…if I’m a hopeless case, and I’m pulling my partner down into the Rabbit Hole Express to a Tea Party with Failure…then know what? Ditch me. Better only one person shatter their bones when they hit rock bottom, especially if your partner has all the potential. Mind you…if I’m so big of a loser that you have to cut me loose to keep from falling with me, then chances are you’re going to have to extricate yourself from a very firm grip. Which leads me finally to…
- You Is Kind, You Is Smart, You Is Important – For god sake, marry someone who values themselves. If the person says yes to your proposal, then you can pretty much assume that they already know YOUR value, and since you popped the question, then we can assume that you see theirs. The thing is though, what makes for an important distinction is how well they see their own value. My favorite segment from a Katt Williams comedy routine goes “Bitch, it’s called SELF ESTEEM!!! It’s esteem of the motha fuckin’ self! How the fuck can I make you feel bad about YOU, simple bitch!?” Surplus and unneeded amount of expletives aside, the man has a point. Having self esteem means that you know your own worth, and therefore will not settle for anything less than what you deserve. This, in turn, also makes me feel better because I know that someone of value sees value in me. It’s an important distinction because if you don’t see yourself as much, then your partner will constantly be questioning their own value, OR…they’ll believe that they can do better because THEY understand their own value, and they are with someone who believes they have none. Just know your worth, kids. Because 9 out of 10, I guarantee that you are worth a whole lot more than what you value yourself for.
Alright, well the bell’s about to go off, so I leave you with these thoughts. Being a girlfriend / boyfriend, doesn’t mean that you don’t have these characteristics. It’s just that in the beginning, when you are still really getting to know each other, it’s all about simpler and more general characteristics. Are they funny? Are they smart? Are they cute? What kind of music do they like, what kind of food? These general characteristics lay out the groundwork for some of the bigger ones as we outlined above. As I stated at the beginning…what I find to be important in my forever-mate may not be what you need in yours. And just because they have all of the above doesn’t mean that you won’t find something else to be a potential deal breaker. What it comes down to, and is really the only actual criteria that matters when deciding if you are going to wifey up your partner…is that you love them more than anyone else.
Now if you’ll excuse me…I’m gonna go have some ramen. Dismissed!
You're Cursed: Reality Is Stranger Than Fiction 