What happened to good honest dialogue and conversation? I always thought, when email first came around, that it would improve our ability to relate to each other. That it would allow us to speak more freely and openly to each other because we could now send our thoughts to each other whenever that mood should arise. Then we developed an entire society within the net, each with its own cultures, backgrounds, interests and subdivisions. Even among the same interests, factions and cliques would be created, each claiming a small portion of the digital space for themselves. And even in that little space we sometimes create an entirely different persona than the one we have in real life. In the end, it was that self-centric idea that spawned the social networks that we have now.
I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with it. We all utilize it in our own way, and I’m certainly as guilty as the next person of establishing my own little kingdom (this blog, Facebook, etc), but I like to think that the way that I interact with people on these pages are no different than the way I interact with people in real life. In the case of something like Facebook, I know all of the people on my friends list personally, so I’ll never behave in a way that’s contrary to who I am because I’m held accountable when I see these people in real life. When I use this blog, I enjoy it because I’m not constrained to writing 2 to 3 line status messages and can write more free form, but that’s not to say that I’m not equally accountable. First of all, some of my friends read this blog and they know how I am and will call me out on my bull. Secondly, I write only to communicate how I feel at a particular time, and sometimes that involves some pretty scattered thinking. Writing helps to narrow my focus…well, at least a little bit. But it’s still me.
If I follow my posts from beginning to end, I’ll see that the tone goes from humorous to serious to depressed to jaded to whimsical…and that’s just in one post! I add my quirky humor to entertain because honestly, why else would people stop by to read what’s on my mind? So to me, communicating means expressing myself and it’s extremely ME oriented. Why? Because I’m single and it’s my own little domain in the digital world. We’re all kings and queens of our tiny space, aren’t we? But when we interact with each other, and we have to step out of our small little kingdom to see what’s out there. That means we need to learn to start communicating. Take online dating as an example.
When I first took on online dating, it was pretty remarkable. There weren’t as many options as there are now in terms of sites, not as many people were interested in doing it, and we were all apprehensive about placing our love lives in the unseen hands of a software program. So people were still trying out different things, sending out actual coherent emails that had an introduction, a plot, and a signature. If we were no longer interested in dating the other person then we would send an email siting a reason, and wishing them luck. It was, for lack of a better term, a more sophisticated approach. And I’ve had some great dates, and good memories of people I’ve met during this time.
Then, in about a year or two, the secret was out. People were jumping into online dating as the next great thing. Suddenly it wasn’t about the people so much as creating a virtual hunting ground. The sheer influx of people created a large demand for more sites, and spawned offshoots based on interests, race, religion… Sites specifically geared towards Asians, Caucasians, African Americans, Christians, self proclaimed Geeks, Cougars… And because there were so many people, our interaction with each individual person got shorter and shorter. A simple email that should have been “Hi (name). I feel like we have a lot in common. Would you like to chat sometime and get to know each other? (Your name)” which turned into “Sup. Wanna hook up?”
So that was the beginning of the slow decline of decent interaction on these dating sites. Now without a doubt, there is a huge difference between interaction on a free dating site, and one on a pay site. The difference is the commitment and level of desire to find someone. In order to go through the lengthy personality profiles, questionaires, you have to want it. It weeds out the hounds and the hedonists. So you’ll find that on a pay site, the responses you get (while sometimes few and far in between), are of a quality much greater than those on average on a free site. And that’s what any kind of communication comes down to…how much do I want it?
By comparison, being in a relationship with someone, communication takes on a whole new dimension. It’s not about “me” and “I” but rather “our” and “we.” You don’t speak from just your point of view any more, but rather must be able to see from your partner’s as well. It relies on an entirely different level of adaptibility, because now that space is shared space. And that exchange of words that you could choose to do or ignore no longer becomes an option, but a necessity. It is stunning that people forget that, but maybe that’s one of the drawbacks of the digital age. We forget that a status update isn’t the same thing as telling someone how we really feel. An email or a chat window isn’t the same thing as having a face to face conversation. Something so simple for most of us tends to be difficult for some.
Why? Because chatting, email, texting…these are all incredibly convenient. No one denies that. But it comes at the expense of avoiding deep conversations. The ones where you truly connect. The ones that hurt us badly, the ones that touch us, the ones that lighten our spirit… It’s not an easy thing, because often times, true communication requires us to look at ourselves in the most honest light, and look at the person who sees and knows that deep part of you. Nowhere to hide, just you and your partner.
But that’s the only thing that makes us better. It’s the only way to ensure that the two of you are happy and prosperous for a long period of time. I was with one of my exes for five years. It ended abruptly, and with her telling me that she had thought long and hard about what she would say, measured all the pros and cons, and that it was best to break up. I don’t argue that relationships end, but where was I during this long imaginary conversation as she weighed the good and the bad? Was there no way to salvage something that was broken? Had I been so inattentive to not see the signs?
While I don’t doubt that in the end, it was all for the best, without proper communication we are sometimes oblivious to what may be obvious. We don’t have the closure that we should, and it takes longer for those wounds to heal when all is said and done. So…just talk to each other. I’d like to think that language isn’t dead, and that true human interaction can exist side by side with the digital age. I like to think that we’re connected, even if it’s for a moment. And sometimes, a moment’s all you need to turn from the edge of the precipice. Just remember to look at each other, see each other, and speak from the heart. Simple.
asianbadass
