Online Dating: The Height of the Matter

So this topic hits close to home, mostly because well…I’m short.  I suppose the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem.  I don’t really consider being short as being the problem as much as the stigmas that seem to get attached to it.  Although I will admit that I spend a considerable amount of my not so considerable free time thinking about the subject…and let’s face it, that might not be healthy.  So to ensure that my New Year isn’t spent in a padded room with injections given to me by a gargantuan orderlie named Billy, I’m going to get it out of my system on here.

So to start, I kind of have to explain a little background about myself.  I’ve been short for as long as I can remember.  Target of bullies, abuse, and mockery practically anywhere I went.  Wah freakin’ wah.  I got over it as anybody with a coping mechanism tends to do.  Nothing but a can-do attitude, a case or two of whiskey, and a couple of years of kung fu lessons.  But eventually I realized that height isn’t really a measure of who I am, and my self confidence slowly began to grow.  I had a few reasonably successful relationships and I was even engaged at one time.  (Successful in the sense that the relationships themselves were good albeit with a shelf life.)

So about a year ago I decided it was time to get back into the foray, but feeling a bit tentative, and still a bit gun shy from my last relationship, I dipped my feet in the shark infested waters they call online dating.  Most of you read my previous post about the lies people tell on these sites, so you can probably guess how my jaunts into this gladatorial arena panned out.  Basically with me being emotionally hobbled by spears and arrows, a gunshot wound to the shoulder, and possible brain damage from a metaphorical hammer throw to the head.  I can only describe it as brain damage because I keep…GOING BACK!

But I digress.  Online daters tend to be full of wonderful stories about the horrors of blind dates, and I’m no different.  For the sake of anonimity, I’m going to call the woman Felice.  Why?  Cause I know no Felice, and I can pretty much deny outright if anyone claims that I’m trying to publically stone them on a digital forum.  Anyway…Felice and I communicated by emails through one of the big dating sites.  We went back and forth by email for about a month before we finally decided to meet.  She and I shared a lot of interests in genres of music and movies.  We discussed trips we’ve taken, and food that we liked, and it was a pretty good match.  Or so I thought.  (dun dun dun!)

I get to the restaurant where we’re supposed to meet, making sure to get there relatively early.  Surpringly, she was already there.  I waved my hand towards her, and immediately she gave a look that can only be described as the kind of look you would give your waiter if you had ordered steak tartare and instead gotten strawberry shortcake.  Oh, did I mention that in this analogy you’re allergic to strawberries?  Well you are.  So you can guess how well this meeting went.  I’m not going to bore you too much with the particulars, but it turns out that she just can’t stand short people.  As in, short people gross her out.  To which I cock my head and wondered out loud: Aren’t you only 5’6″?

So for the next few minutes, I sat down and she sat down, and it was like trying to negotiate a cease fire at a peace summit, only the other party had already pulled the pin on a grenade.  So I’m gingerly playing a game of verbal hot potato with Felice while I try to figure out in what capacity I had failed.  I ran down the list: Did she not see my picture?  No, my profile had 7 pictures of me and they are all different, but all clear and had a good shot of my face.  Had I gained weight?  Not unless I had gained it within the last 2 weeks.  Did I not write on my profile that I was short?  No, that was stated in 2 different sections.  Did I not give my height in the data page?  No, there it was in black and white: 5′ 2″.  Okay…so how the hell did she miss this?

Once I had realized that the fault couldn’t possibly have been from my end, it was time to call it quits before it even really began.  And since I figured she was the one that wanted to burn this bridge, I might as well have some fun by soaking it in kerosene and throwing the match.  Now somewhere in my computer, I have an almost verbatim account of the conversation, but since I can’t find it right now, I’m just going to give you the highlights.

“Were you like, abused by midgets or something really young?”

“What!?  No!”

“So how can you just be grossed out by short people when you’re not that tall yourself?”

“I just am, ok?  We all have preferences.”

“Yeah, but a preference doesn’t mean you get sick of looking at someone!”

“Just drop it, ok?”

“Man, you must hate the Wizard of Oz.”

“Why?”

“Everytime Dorothy’s in Munchkin Land, you’d be under your covers!”

“Okay, that’s it!  I’m leaving!”

“Wait!”

“What!?”

“Don’t you want to go out on our date?  I thought we could drive by Wonka’s and throw rocks at the Oompa Loompas.”

“Fuck off.”  (storming out)

“Call me!”

So that was it, in a nutshell.  To answer your question…no, she never called.  And I was blocked that very night.  I might have a hit put out on me too, not sure…  The best part about that entire night was the elderly couple at a table near ours who asked if that was our first date.  I smiled at granny and without batting an eyelash said, “Yeah.  So you think I have a shot?”  They laughed, I laughed.  My pride wasn’t really intact, but I managed to salvage some of it.  But that’s really what brings me back to my initial premise.

Height has always been an important factor in calculating physical attractiveness in a male.  The term is “tall, dark, and handsome” and that didn’t come out of nowhere.  It’s an expression that’s describes what women (and men) find to be the most physically desirable features.  We claim to have evolved passed it, but online dating really brings these features into stark reality.  Online daters can be pretty much be broken down into one of two categories.  One are the Jaded.  These are the ones who have been through the club and bar scene and honestly just don’t want to deal with it anymore.  The thing is…the things that they’re looking for haven’t changed, it’s just that the environment and technology have evolved to a point where you can just sit, point, and click.  Nothing gained, nothing lost.  They have the tendency to pick the ones they find to be most desirable and pursue them.

The other type tends to be the Indifferents.  These are the people who are on the dating sites but have absolutely zero expectations of finding someone through the sites.  They’re more likely to play a numbers game, and have several different dates just to see what happens.

There are always exceptions to the rule, so take this only as a sweeping generality.  Where do I fit in?  I’m too Jaded to be indifferent, but I’m not so jaded that I can be called that either because there’s a part of me that holds out for the real thing.  The common thread between the two groups, is that given options, in an online dating world where there is no accountability, people will always gravitate to those that seem the most attractive physically.  A personality profile in the end, are mere words.  You can’t really grasp the depth of a person’s character through the way they write, so most of the time you end up looking at the pretty pictures and pointing like at a Dennys or an IHOP.

I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it.  Don’t mistake me.  We all have qualities that we’re attracted to, and in the absence of the real personality, then people don’t have anything to lose by completely basing their thoughts on a more primal instinct.  I think that height triggers a certain button in our heads.  As a short person we look at really tall people as imposing, and often times our first thought is…run or at least be nervous.  It also symbolizes protection, guardian, provider, power.  It’s the image that sustains.  And there’s no real way around it.  Think of the last time you met someone shorter than you.  When you first met them, did you immediately think “much younger than me?”  Did you maybe treat them a little bit like you would your kid brother or sister?  Maybe you were the one that was treated that way.

Height is a very powerful perception, and when used in online dating, it’s a powerful tool.  At least…until you meet in person.  That lie that you told her about you playing Center in your college basketball team?  I think she’s going to see right through it when you show up wearing platforms just to see her eye to eye.  And on the converse (I’ve experimented), if you jack up your height on your profile, I can almost guarantee that you will get twice the amount of hits you are experiencing now.  That’s just the law of the land.

But bottom line is…you can’t stop being what you are.  There’s no road map to the destination, there’s no road…shit, there may not even be a destination.  All we can do is travel down what looks like a trail and follow it down to the very end and hope it doesn’t lead us off a cliff ala Wile E Coyote.  We’re who we are, and someone will love us for it.  How can I say that?  Because the alternative is to pack your shit and just go home.  Nobody wins who never ran.  And if you’re anything like me, you don’t just search for the goal, but you enjoy the getting there.  …even if that involves a bramble bush, a mine field, a laser grid, a pit full of alligators, and what can only be described as a never ending barrage of falling face first into mud.  I realize I just described Indiana Jones…but the point is still valid.

Here’s hoping for all you crazy people like me to find love…or at least contentment in this New Year.  Badass…AWAAAAAAY!